Love and Polyamory

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Anonymous asked: Hello I'm an asexual and I think I might be polly, like I feel like I have to much live for just one person and want more than that but I also don't want one of those super open relationships like I'd be happy with like two or three others in a committed relationship if that makes sense? But I feel like it's hard enough for someone to want to be in a relationship with an asexual let alone one who wants such an untraditional dynamic

That makes complete sense anon. Perhaps a mono/poly relationship would work best with what you’re describing. I myself had around four partners at the most and I realized that to be fair to each partner I could only handle two to three partners. So that I could dedicate my time, love, and effort to each of them in a somewhat equal manner. I’m sure it will be difficult, I’m wondering myself if I might be an asexual as my own sex drive is extremely low compared to my partner (theirs is in the above average range I believe). However they (and I’m so grateful for this) are so understanding and don’t try to force the issue when it comes to sex. I’m going to try really hard not to be cliche about all of this but, here it goes. Not everyone is going to understand what you go through either as a poly person and/or as an asexual one. You’ll just have to search, there are a lot of people out there and hopefully you’ll find someone or someones that understand both parts of you and love you for who you are.

If you have any questions about how my own mono/poly relationship worked feel free to inquire.

Hope this helps,

Love and Polyamory

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Forming A Community

Hello to all my lovely followers. Thank you for following and for your questions, I hope I’ve been a help to you. Recently, a follower has asked me where to go to find a poly community where one poly person could talk with other poly people who understand. So I’d like to welcome you all to send me ideas of how to connect us all and share our experiences with each other. Perhaps a facebook group, email correspondence, or perhaps even pen pals might work. Let me know what you all think so we can form a supportive poly community.


Love and Polyamory

Filed under community polyamory love relationships

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Anonymous asked: I have been involved with someone who is polyamorous but I am not. I am beginning to feel I am not sure it is right for me but I really care about this person and don't want to lose them. Any advice?

I would recommend that you be honest with them. Tell them how you feel about it to see if some kind of compromise can be made. Also take a moment to try and understand your feelings and what specifically is and is not working for you and why. For example if your partner tends to come home late often from dates and that bothers you. Think about why it bothers you, are you worried for his/her safety? Or are you perhaps lonely and want to spend more time with them? Or even both.

Hope this helps anon~

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Anonymous asked: Um…hi. I was raised very Mormon until I left the church about a year ago. As a result, I'm pretty ignorant as to how polyamorous relationships work. I understand homosexuality, bisexuality, asexuality, ect. But I'm pretty lost as to how polyamorous relationships work. I want to be more accepting of different relationship styles, but it's difficult to accept something you hardly have a grasp on understanding. So, I know that this is really stupid, but could you please give me the rundown?

Sure so the basics of any poly relationship are trust, communication, and honesty. Honesty is extremely important, if you sneaking around and seeing someone on the side that’s not poly that’s just a person who’s cheating on their significant other. There are several ways in which one could set up a poly relationship. A few of those can include a poly-mono relationship which is when one partner is poly and dates multiple people and the other partner only dates them or group poly (triads, tetrads) where everyone is dating each other most commonly works with bi couples. If you’d like more details I’d definitely recommend reading Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. It goes into detail about some of the different set ups for polyamorous relationships~

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Anonymous asked: I just stumbled on your blog looking for something out there to help me navigate my feelings. I am now over a year into a polyamorous relationship and I have been struggling of late. Then I saw journal 13, exactly what I needed, what I struggle with.

Glad I could help Anon~

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Anonymous asked: Hi! I've been wondering this for a little bit, and I was hoping if you could answer it? So, if you're polyamorous, (spelling?) do you only ever feel comfortable with more than one person, or does it just sometimes feel right to be monogamous, and other times polyamorous? Along those lines, do you have to "come out" as polyamorous, or do you just kind of go and do it? Thank you, I'm kind of a newbie. (If you couldn't tell :3)

Hello and my sincerest apologies for the late reply anon, I’ve been on hiatus for awhile. Your spelling of the term is indeed correct. I am by no means an expert on the subject of poly however, for myself personally, my view is that love is a choice and as such I chose to be poly for a time to learn about myself and how I connect with people in a relationship. I felt comfortable with all of my partners and I also feel just fine in my current monogamous relationship. To be honest poly is what you make of it and there’s no one way to go about it. The main thing is honesty, open-communication, and safety to make a poly relationship get off on the right foot. Hope that helps anon~

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Journal Entry #13

Greetings to all of my followers, it’s been awhile since the last post but this was especially inspired by some concerning talk I have been hearing from close friends about their significant others.

There are several ways you can drive a person away but I’ll be talking about one specifically. Keeping your significant other by/near you at all times. The reasons for why a person would do this vary and can include but are not limited to the following: jealousy, insecurity, “wanting to keep their significant other safe” etc. I can understand that you might wish to spend every waking moment that you can with your significant other. However everyone needs their space. My partner for example loves to go out with their friends a lot each weekend. It makes me feel a bit lonely sometimes but I understand that they are the kind of person that needs to get out of the house and do something. Otherwise they have very restless behavior. So I let them go, tell them to have a good time, and to come home safely. I typically either go to sleep or find something else to entertain myself until they return and I welcome them back with a nuzzle and a kiss.
"If you love them let them go."
Please don’t trap them into staying with you, unless it’s a severe safety issue. (I.e. they’re drunk and can’t drive safely or there’s an axe murderer outside or something.)
Just look inside yourself if you catch yourself trying to make them stay home with you. Look for what feelings are triggering this and talk with your significant other about it. If you feel insecure, lonely, or jealous, ask yourself why. It will help you understand what your needs are in the relationship. However, be willing to compromise and this will get you far in your relationships. Hope this helps~

Thanks for following,

Love and Polyamory

Filed under relationships trust love jealousy insecurity

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Journal Entry #12

Hello to all of my lovely followers, since Valentines’ Day is coming up I’d like to make a special post concerning it. Also for those who celebrate it happy year of the horse~

In any case Valentine’s Day has become overly hyped I believe and many partners and single people all over the world have made it known that if they don’t receive something of sentimental value, chocolate, flowers, etc. they’ll be upset and take it as a sign that you don’t care about/love them. However, I urge for you all not to get upset over this very publicized holiday. If a partner has forgotten about Valentine’s Day (yes some people do forget honestly), has to work, or things are financially tight at the moment try to understand and accept it. I would urge that every day be treated as Valentine’s day. Do something special for them when you can, love, accept, and appreciate them in all their aspects always.

I personally practice Valentine’s Day in a similar way that the Japanese do. In Japan on Valentine’s Day women give the important men in their life chocolate and this is not limited to boyfriends, fiancées, and husbands but also teachers, friends, and coworkers as well. White Day (March 14) is where the males reciprocate the feelings given to them the month before with a white item of choice. Some people are given white ribbons, white flowers, or white scarves but as I understand it anything white will do.

As always thanks for following,

Love and Polyamory

Filed under polyamory love valentines day honesty relationships

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Journal Entry #11

Hello and happy holidays to all my followers, since tis the season for gift giving. I thought I’d make this post about how I go about shopping for my significant other’s gifts. Firstly, I think about what kind of person they are mine in particular is extremely practical and frugal so most lavish gifts would be an utter nightmare and most likely a waste of well earned cash. Next I think about what they’ve been conversing/complaining about. (Maybe they’ve been cold with this crazy weather lately or perhaps they’ve been eyeing that new reclining chair at ikea because your old one is getting pretty shabby). Sometimes they won’t say anything at all if that’s the case ask some of their friends (preferably ones that can keep a secret haha). They might have a little insight into what they would like.
I also urge you all not to buy extravagant gifts that you simply cannot afford in order to impress them. In my opinion I don’t believe it’s worth it to put yourself in serious financial hardship. Some will appreciate a lovely hand made gift and/or card. Or you can even get a little creative with more intimate IOU’s or promises~
If you’re daring enough you can even ask them yourself what they want. (Pretty much fail-proof unless they change their mind a lot.)
Hope that helps you holiday shoppers and enjoy your vacation (if you get one) if not enjoy your weekend.

Thanks for following,
Love and Polyamory

Filed under holiday shopping love polyamory relationships

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Journal entry #10

Hello to all my lovely followers,

Today’s post will concern phone/email/Facebook etiquette. In today’s world the ability to “stalk” one’s significant other is made extremely simple especially through social media websites such as Facebook, MySpace (if anyone still uses it haha), etc. In my humble opinion it’s a healthy habit to check up on your significant other, spouse, like their status or laugh at their ridiculous pictures. It allows you access to a different part of them. However I believe some people take it too far. Constantly scrolling their news feed several times a day, getting upset or angry at every status that doesn’t include you and even sending nasty messages to a significant other’s intimate friends (opposite sex or not). It can get pretty crazy. I can understand the basis for these actions, possibly you don’t feel you are spending enough quality time with your significant other or you feel as though they care about others more than they do about you. If you’re feeling lonely I urge you to one, communicate with them and two to respect their privacy. Don’t snoop through their phone, emails, computer, or Facebook. If there’s something that concerns you about their behavior or actions on social media or otherwise at the very least confront them about it. In a calm and non-accusatory manner. Accusations tend to make a person defensive and therefore unwilling to hear your point of view. Use “I feel” instead of “you make me feel”. You make me feel is blame placement language and places the lame for your emotions on your significant other. Definitely not a good feeling. As far as my significant other goes I trust him to respect my privacy. It’s pretty funny they are extremely vigilant in making sure I don’t see their passwords for anything, in those situations I politely avert my eyes when they type in a password or unlock their phone. If you find yourself wanting to snoop through their phone, email, etc. ask yourself why first. Curiosity or boredom? Ask them if you could browse through it as they observe over your shoulder in case there’s sensitive information (social security number, account numbers, etc.). Overall trust is important in any relationship and so is respecting their space and privacy. I do realize I’ve left out a possibility that’s most likely going through all of your minds. (Well what if you suspect them of cheating?) I’ll try and cover that in the next journal entry. As always questions, concerns, things you would like to see in future posts, and comments are welcome in my ask box. Love you all and thanks for following~ -Love and Polyamory

Filed under love polyamory trust social media relationships communication emotions